2014年11月SAT亚洲考场10分作文解析

　When a project is not going well, should people simply quit or continue with what they started?

这个话题考察的是在困难面前是不是应该放弃，是一个典型的失败成功的题目。考题的难度不大。但是要想拿高分一定做到对题目关键词的一一剖析和对应。这是一位SAT考生在11月考试中的十分作文，整体来说行文流畅细节清晰，但仍然有需要提高的地方。下面我们具体来看一下这篇作文。

开头段

In our daily life, there are lots of people who would be afraid of the difficulties and decide to quit if their projects are not going well. Nevertheless it is believed that people should insist on their goals and project, which is a better way to achieve their ultimate dreams. This concept is illustrated by the examples of Malala Yousafzai and Jack Welch. （用生活中的现象和直接引出开头段。观点清晰。）

开头段的重点其实就是明确地提出观点，作为下面论述的主线。所以这样的写法完全没问题。

但我们说SAT写作是一个逻辑思维的考试，所谓的逻辑思维就是斯思考每一个what后面的how 和why.所以如果想要在开头段出彩，把观点背后的理由论述出来，比单纯的论述观点更加能够体现出缜密的逻辑思维。所以此处如果想要在分数上再有突破，可以在提出观点之后简单地带一下理由。为什么在continue with what they have started 和 simply quit 之间要选择前者。

例子是SAT写作的核心。一般来说，8分跟10分的作文之间的差异并不是有没有例子说，而是看例子的切题性跟语言的问题。这两个考官会拿来参考的评分点虽然看起来抽象，但也也是有迹象可循的。下面我们来看一下例子。

1.If one was criticize by other people who don’t support his or her opinion, one would think the project more carefully and program it as initial. （这个例子段的topic sentence，总结了段落主旨：如果一个人被其他人质疑，他就会认真思考自己的计划，并且坚持初心地去实施它。这个TS虽说是对段落意思的高度总结，但是却存在两个问题：1.逻辑不是非常经得起推敲。为什么被别人质疑的人，经过认真推敲就一定会坚持初心去实施原计划呢，他也有可能改变主意。前后两句话之前不存在必然的因果联系。逻辑缺失。2.TS其实就是从一个角度来回答题目的问题，给观点提供支撑，也就是这篇文章的第一个why。可是这个TS却算是打了个擦边球。题目问的是计划进行得不顺利的时候是应该坚持还是放弃，观点说是应该坚持，而TS却不是从为什么应该坚持这个角度拟出来的。）

2.As an educational activist Pakistan, Malala Youfazai is known for her activism for the rights to education for women, especially in swat valley, where the Taliban had at times banned girls from attending schools. The Taliban believed that they should take control of the valley, an opinion that was initially rejected by people in swat district. Life under Taliban rules was tough; girls were deprived of their basic rights for education. （给例子段提供了一个背景的介绍，引出例子的基本情况， 为后文Malala 的行为奠定一个基础。）

3.Malala, believing that the Taliban policies are completely insane and unreasonable, decided to fight against it. She made a project to write blogs anomalously for BBC; detailing how life was under the Taliban’s control and called for an improvement to education for 22 girls in 2008.（第一句是一个过渡句，衔接上面的背景跟下面的行为，使得文章更加连贯，第二句这里出现了文章里问的issue了计划到底是是什么，这里做得很好的一点是把计划非常具体地说出来了，跟题目的关键词呼应得很好，这就是我们说的切题性的体现方式之一。）

4. The Taliban tried to stop her by killing her and the people in her district started to think that the change of policies might bring more mishap. Malala, however, risked her life and firmly insisted on her goal to reject Taliban. （这里就出现了when the project is not doing well的细节跟people continued with what they have started的细节。其实这里才是文章应该重点论述的地方，跟关键词一一呼应的地方，但是反而是这里的细节比较少。知识简单地说Malala 没有放弃，坚决实现自己的目标。）

5. Her endless efforts lead to the ratification of Pakistan’s first policy for Education Bill, girls rights finally got guaranteed by law.（既然写的角度是不应该放弃，那么坚持不懈带来的必然是积极的结果。）

6. As you can see, even though Malala’s project met lots of obstacles, she still trusted on her own conviction and kept running the project, finally succeed. （最后例子的concluding sentence 提到了题目的每一个关键词，算是一个比较成功的结尾句）

回头看一下这个例子段，整个的思路应该是：

1. topic sentenc

2. Background information

3. What the project is

4. What the obstacle is(呼应when the project is not doing well)

5. How did she continue with what she had already started(呼应people should continue with what they have started)

6. Positive result

7. Concluding sentence

回顾上面的例子段，有三个亮点：

1.遵循了这个思路，逻辑非常清楚。

2.衔接自然流畅-用了很多承上启下的句子，就比如Malala, believing that the Taliban policies are completely insane and unreasonable, decided to fight against it. 使上下有一个自然的flow。

3.细节很到位。 有具体的年份，地域名称等，显示出对例子的熟悉程度。

但这个例子段有三个可以改进的地方：

1.topic sentence 跟题目的联系不大，如果用to persistent in the face of toils is the surest path to success in political area. 类似于这样的句子，不仅给thesis statement 提供了一个why, 也点出了例子的领域，会比较讨巧。

2.例子段的比重稍微有点失衡。前面的背景知识写得太多，而后面写到文章重点when the project is not going well 的时候，也就是例子段的第四部分，应该花多一点笔墨描写她是怎么continue with what she has already started 。但这里却一笔带过了。这里也是一个反复重申关键词的点，却没有把握好这个体现例子段切题性的机会。所以提高的方法就是在这里来一些承上启下的句子，加一点细节使这个部分饱满。

3.尽量避免小的语法错误。比如Malala, believing that the Taliban policies are completely insane and unreasonable, decided to fight against it. She made a project to write blogs anomalously for BBC。这一句 are 和 decided 时态就不是一致的。

接着看第二个例子

1. Another example is Jack Welch, who is the former CEO of General Electric, has revolutionized the conventional management of his company by insist on the project even when it was not going well.（这个例子用another衔接了上下文，过渡到第二个例子段，同样注意小的语法错误by insisting on，介词后面应该加ing）

2. When Welch took the office, GE was on a downhill trend with a 9-level hierarchy, which seriously delayed the decision making. Besides, there were lots of redundant workers. Both factors contributed to the inefficiency and decline of GE.（同样是背景介绍，细节非常清楚）

3. Jack Welch decided to make a project to rescue the century old company: to reduce to 9-level hierarchy into 4 levels and laid off loads of redundant workers.（也是具体点出了project是什么，把题目的关键词细化了）

4. But it was a harsh project because he need to fire the bottom 10 percent of managers irrespective of their absolute performance. Undoubtedly, he was criticized by many colleges and many other companies regard him as brutal and profit-driven.（这里通过it was a harsh project,再次重申关键词，把例子流畅过渡到了when a project is not going well 这个点，呈现细节）

5. Nevertheless, Welch continued his project because he believed that it was the only way to change the downhill trend of GE.（这里对关键词的呼应也比上一个例子段好，非常明确地点出了to continue his project 跟题目的to continue with what they have already started相呼应）

6. As a result, GE had gone from a market value of 14billion to 410 billions, becoming the most valuable company in the world in 2004.（导致的结果是商业的成功）

7. The same for Welch is that he didn't quit his project when is was not going well, but insisted on his own belief.（总结例子）

回头看第二个例子

除了继承了上面那些例子段的优点之外，这里每个部分例子细节的分布比上面的更加均衡， what is the project, why it was not going well , how he continued with the project.每个词群都在文章里体现出来了，也有细节的支撑。两个例子段用一个another顺利衔接起来了。 唯一的美中不足就是没有阐述中间的逻辑链条，只是陈述事实，因为没有放弃所以取得了成功，其实可以在例子的结尾处加一点论述，说理，稍微升华一下主题。也就是点出来我们写的这个角度的核心问题：我们为什么要坚持不懈。是因为困难是不可避免的，只有坚持不懈才是成功的不二法宝等等。

结尾肯定是在最后一分钟完成的，重述观点，体现文章的完整性。

回顾一下整个文章的优点：

1.例子的选择很切题。每个例子都有一个project，每个project都有障碍，而主人公没有屈服于障碍，坚持自己，最后取得了成功。

2.例子的细节跟关键词也是呼应的，我们说一个好的例子段就是看例子段的细节是不是可以体现出题目的观点，而最直接的方式就是不断重复关键词。文章根据题目的关键词，有一个两个例子段都遵从的脉络。不仅切题，也使得文章easy to follow.

3.行文流畅，不断用过渡句跟转接词。

可以提高的部分有两点：

1.小的语言错误虽然没有影响对文章的理解，但可以尽量避免，这就需要合理分配时间，尽量留出一两分钟的时间检查作文的语法问题。

2.挖掘题目背后的意思，体现出更多的critical thinking，不只是陈述事实，说这两个例子的主人公坚持自己取得了成功，应该在文章中渗透出为什么坚持自己可以取得成功，而不是半途而废可以取得成功的理由的论述。

总的来说，这算是一篇比较成功的文章，我们可以看出，一篇好的议论文，并不是角度多么特立独行，形式多么另辟蹊径，句子多么华美，而是要观点清晰。也不是例子越多越好，掌握几个核心例子，学会根据题目的关键词改变写例子的角度就行了。而所有好的成绩，都是以足够的努力为前提的。只要多加练习，高分名校不是梦。